Shit I Say to My Kids that is Totally Fucking Bullshit

Inevitably, there is shit I say to my kids, that I know, just isn't true. But I know their young minds are so malleable and they believe everything I say because I'm their mother. Love this age. I wish I could stop all this growing bullshit right now. Seriously. They definitely still think that mom and dad know absolutely everything. It's great.

Here's a list of my greatest lies. 

"I'm not gonna say this again!"
This is obviously not true. For some reason, I think that shouting "I'm not gonna say this again" is somehow a threat. I assure you. This is no threat. But I STILL say it all of the time. Duuuuuh.

"OK. We're going to see the doctor then, because there is OBVIOUSLY something wrong with your hearing."
Another obvious lie. But this one seems to work pretty good. Because in the end I get them to admit they they actually did hear what I said but they were choosing to ignore me. Suckers!

"If you keep eating your hair, you're gonna grow a hair tree in your belly."
Sometimes this one works. Sometimes it doesn't. I did feel a little bad when my daughter had a stomach ache one day and said, "Mom. I think my hair tree might be growing."

"That's it! We're not going to Cape Cod!"
Yeah, OK, I'm really going to cancel a trip that I've been looking forward to, that I've been planning since March just because you refuse to put your pants on.

"That's it! I'm calling a babysitter and you can stay home while the rest of us go out."
Because I clearly have all my babysitters linked into my batphone and they will arrive on a minute's notice. 

"Fine. Don't eat dinner. Starve for all I care."
Sometimes this reverse psychology works. Although, there is a little bit of truth in this one, because by this time of the day, I actually don't care. 

"Stop using so many paper towels. Or the paper towel police will be here any minute."
This lie worked once. Then I totally got called out on it. "Mom...is there REALLY a paper towel police?" Busted.

"That's an excellent drawing."
No it's not. It totally stinks. I could do better, and I'm a terrible artist. 

"Oh no. Looks like McDonald's is closed today."
Works every time. And I avoid confrontation. Total win for me.

"Fine. Don't go to school."
Another example of reverse psychology that really works. I can only wonder how long the twins will be such eager beavers.

"Oh no. I totally forgot my wallet."
This one originated as a defense for the ice cream truck. Why do those fuckers always have to patrol the parks?!?

"OK, you can play on the iPad for 15 minutes."
But I can get so much done when you're on it. I might as well finish making dinner. And try and fold some laundry. Or check my email. Make some doctor appointments? The possibilities are endless when you're on the iPad. Quiet. Happy. And you play some educational games so you're totally learning. An hour later...