Taking Steve Songs by the Balls

This morning I put Cumin on my daughter’s cinnamon toast. Seriously. And she totally ate it. Poor thing. Well, what I didn’t mention is that at the exact same time I was making chili to stick in the crock pot. That’s right. I was simultaneously getting the kids ready for school, making chili for tonight’s Thursday night Pats/Jets game and getting ready for the sitter who was coming at 9:00 so I could go to work.

That’s how we roll in the suburbs.

I’m definitely getting more used to it. And starting to like it more. It will be 3 years in May. Which still isn’t very long. But it feels like forever. The only thing I still can’t get over is the lack of walking/exercise and always sitting my ass in my mini van. I should get to yoga more. Or the YMCA. Or the treadmill in my basement. One of those should do. It’s a matter of priorities people.

I’ve met some really cool chicks lately. Mostly mom friends because of the kids. But I can see some as having the potential to go beyond mom. I’m definitely not on the same level yet as my Hoboken twin moms but that’s because we drank more in Hoboken. There was no driving. And we all lived right around the corner. Thus I digress…

You wouldn’t believe my non-advertising resume this year. I’ll call it my volunteer work. And it can be exhausting. Now I barely scratch the surface compared to what some other insanely dedicated, amazing women I’ve met do, but for me, it’s kinda crazy. And fun. Just sayin’.

So in addition to being like, the best Martha Stewart wanna-be mom to my own kids, and working my freelance advertising/writing jobs when I can, here is a list of what else I’m up to at Jacob and Mason and Skye’s school.

 

• Elementary School Newseditor
• Elementary School PTO Leadership
• Room Parent for Skye’s classroom
• Co-Chair of major pre-school fundraiser – Steve Songs Concert
• Cookie mom for Daisy (Girl Scouts) Troop

This is not a joke people.

Who am I? What have I become? I honestly have no idea how this happened. It just did. But I actually do love it. No shit.

Today, I’ve worked “working on the steve songs concert” into my work schedule. And I’m going to organize it like it’s nobody’s business. You just wait. I'm going to help put on Steve Songs like it's nobody's business. Stay tuned.

Shit I Say to My Kids that is Totally Fucking Bullshit

Inevitably, there is shit I say to my kids, that I know, just isn't true. But I know their young minds are so malleable and they believe everything I say because I'm their mother. Love this age. I wish I could stop all this growing bullshit right now. Seriously. They definitely still think that mom and dad know absolutely everything. It's great.

Here's a list of my greatest lies. 

"I'm not gonna say this again!"
This is obviously not true. For some reason, I think that shouting "I'm not gonna say this again" is somehow a threat. I assure you. This is no threat. But I STILL say it all of the time. Duuuuuh.

"OK. We're going to see the doctor then, because there is OBVIOUSLY something wrong with your hearing."
Another obvious lie. But this one seems to work pretty good. Because in the end I get them to admit they they actually did hear what I said but they were choosing to ignore me. Suckers!

"If you keep eating your hair, you're gonna grow a hair tree in your belly."
Sometimes this one works. Sometimes it doesn't. I did feel a little bad when my daughter had a stomach ache one day and said, "Mom. I think my hair tree might be growing."

"That's it! We're not going to Cape Cod!"
Yeah, OK, I'm really going to cancel a trip that I've been looking forward to, that I've been planning since March just because you refuse to put your pants on.

"That's it! I'm calling a babysitter and you can stay home while the rest of us go out."
Because I clearly have all my babysitters linked into my batphone and they will arrive on a minute's notice. 

"Fine. Don't eat dinner. Starve for all I care."
Sometimes this reverse psychology works. Although, there is a little bit of truth in this one, because by this time of the day, I actually don't care. 

"Stop using so many paper towels. Or the paper towel police will be here any minute."
This lie worked once. Then I totally got called out on it. "Mom...is there REALLY a paper towel police?" Busted.

"That's an excellent drawing."
No it's not. It totally stinks. I could do better, and I'm a terrible artist. 

"Oh no. Looks like McDonald's is closed today."
Works every time. And I avoid confrontation. Total win for me.

"Fine. Don't go to school."
Another example of reverse psychology that really works. I can only wonder how long the twins will be such eager beavers.

"Oh no. I totally forgot my wallet."
This one originated as a defense for the ice cream truck. Why do those fuckers always have to patrol the parks?!?

"OK, you can play on the iPad for 15 minutes."
But I can get so much done when you're on it. I might as well finish making dinner. And try and fold some laundry. Or check my email. Make some doctor appointments? The possibilities are endless when you're on the iPad. Quiet. Happy. And you play some educational games so you're totally learning. An hour later...

Recycle

This week I’ve deemed paper plate week. I know I’m totally ruining the environment for myself. My children. And my children’s children. So why don’t I give a fuck? I’ll tell you why. Just like my good friend Josh Schildkraut, I am incredibly lazy. Sometimes. Well at least this week with the dishes. It's just one of those weeks. It's hot. Summer hot. Africa hot. I even have a dishwasher. And air conditioning. Like I said, think Josh Schildkraut.

But am I REALLY lazy? I mean, I do look after 3 kids every second of every hour of every fucking day without a lunch break. Or any alone time in the bathroom. Any time to really check emails. Unless they are watching a show or playing on the iPad. Which in case I have plenty of free time to do the dishes. Sweep up their muffins. And maybe, just maybe, take a shower.

This afternoon I picked shit up off the bathroom floor. Toddler shit. Ok, think toddler poop. For some reason toddler poop seems much less offensive than toddler shit. My littlest one just got herself some "big girl underwear" on Saturday. And the potty training is going swimmingly. Sure, she's had a handful of accidents and still hasn't really figured out how to take a crap on the toilet. She's used to doing it standing up. So going from standing to sitting is a challenge. I've also been able to frequent the public toilets about a gazillion times today. I've been to 2 elementary school toilets (one of them twice), Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts and Stop and Shop and this is all before 3:00 PM. 

I think the potty training is definitely an even exchange for the paper plates. 

Grape Circumcision

My daughter Mason is the pickiest eater of all 3 kids. And she knows it. And couldn’t be prouder. We usually refer to her as "The Worst". I just had an argument with her the other day because she wanted to know why she cannot eat "muffins every day for breakfast". I explained to her that it's basically like "eating cake every morning". She's just not buying my argument. Brutal. But moving on...

One of the 3 fruits she will eat is grapes. Whenever I give her grapes I need to make sure they are absolutely pristine. Seriously. This is how pathetic my life has become. The grapes are vetted. And then circumcised. No joke. This is what my life has come to. Circumcising grapes. You know, the part on the grape that turns brown where it is attached to the stem. It has to be removed or she definitely won't eat them. I guess I should be thankful that at least she likes grapes. They are better than muffins. Sometimes.

Hike up your mom jeans

I never imagined myself as such a mom. Like a real mom. Like a mom mom. Living in a house. In the burbs. Driving a minivan. Seriously, my whole existence at the moment is all for the kids. Or the three little assholes as I affectionately refer to them. It’s a term of endearment really. My life is spent planning. Planning when to do the laundry. What to have for dinner. Making playdates. Making lunches. Sweeping the kitchen. Making doctor appointments. Grocery shopping. Sweeping the kitchen. Changing diapers. Reading books. Playing with toys. Driving the kids to school. Picking the kids up from school. Wiping boogers. Wiping the counter. Washing dishes. And sweeping the kitchen.

It’s a far cry from my East Village days. No doubt.

But it’s all good. I’ve kind of embraced the whole mom thing. I figured, fuck, if I’m gonna be a total mom, I should really BE a total mom. So yeah, I’m like the best mom ever. Ask my kids. My sister always refers to me as a total “Mrs. Stewart” in a playful, almost annoyed but maybe a little jealous kind of way. I made cake pops (like a little ball of cake on a stick) and mummy juice boxes (juice boxes that look like mummies) this year for Halloween. A Dora the Explorer lollipop tree for my two-year-olds birthday. We’ve made home made playdoh. And many other things of that ilk. You get the picture. It’s kind of fun sometimes. Allows me to be creative.  Bond with the little shits. You know. 

The Beginning

Hi. I’m Ann. And I’m a suburban mom. And a writer.

Please don’t hold that against me. The writer part anyway. I wasn’t always this way. I swear. I was once a real person. With a real job. And I had my own real life. I miss my old life sometimes. The craziness of working in advertising in NYC. The craziness of working til 3AM. Trying to solve client problems while still creating something cool that I was proud to tell my friends about. That craziness stopped when I had my twins and became a mom. Suddenly my world opened up to a whole new crazier kind of crazy.

Fast forward and I’m still a creative. A writer. An Associate Creative Director. An idea maker. A shit talker. All in the freelance kind of way. But instead of living in Hoboken, I now live in Winchester. An adorable suburb about 20 minutes north of Boston. I have almost 6-year-old twins (one boy, one girl) and an insane 2 ½ year old girl. And they are my world. There. I said it. I’ve totally embraced the whole suburban mom thing. I figured, why the fuck not. If I’m living the dream, I might as well do it up.

So I created this blog as an outlet to showcase my writing and thinking. And as an incentive for all you powerful hiring types to please put me on a project. C’mon. I’m funny. And fairly intelligent. And a pretty bad-ass writer, if I must say so myself. I love doing freelance work whenever possible as it’s kind of a vacation from my real job. Plus I get paid. Win win all around.