Meet SuburbanMom

My photo
I'm a totally suburban mother of 3 married to a sexy Brit. Before I was a mom, I was a real person working as a creative writer at some hot advertising shops in New York City. Now I freelance when I can ( I call my kids the 3 assholes, which is a term of endearment. For fun I have a gazillion side projects I’ve started but not finished. Yay me.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Busy Doing A Whole Lot Of Nothing

First let me take one more sip of coffee. Then I’ll be back to this.

Ok. So I took a sip of my coffee. Then clicked on a few emails. Texted a pic of a Candy Corn martini to my neighbor. Put on “Dave Matthews; Live at Red Rocks 08.12.95” which I personally feel is his 3rd best live album…his first being “Live In Central Park 09.25.03” followed by “Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds Live at Radio City 08.14.07". I'm biased towards my first two choices because I was actually there and listening to the albums are more nostalgic. Would have loved to be at Red Rocks. Considering the breath of live album releases Dave has coming in 3rd is pretty impressive. So listening to Dave made me want to see if I could google his performance on Sunday night in his Concert for Charlottesville which ultimately led me to almost click on a mini vacation for myself this coming January 12-14- an all-inclusive, Dave and Tim on the beach in Riviera Maya, Mexico. I seriously almost clicked on “Book Now”. And then I remembered I'm a mother dammit. I can’t just fly to Mexico on a whim in January when the kids are in school and they have activities they need to be taken to, drive ways that need to be shoveled and Bar / Bat Mitzvahs to pay for in 4 years.

Thus I digress.

Today I did a whole lot of what on the surface seem frivolous and unimportant probably because they are pretty unimportant. To everyone who lives in this house except for me. Actually, I think the people in this house actually do appreciate it subliminally. (the it being the cleanliness and organization of all the objects in this house from a bazillion school papers to groceries to clothing and just vacuuming and sweeping the cereal off the floor. ) They just don’t know they like it because it’s always been provided. Ya know what I’m saaaaayin. These are things though that make me happy. In my house. Where I spend a lot of time when I’m not working. So it’s 12:43 in the afternoon. Since the kiddos have been in school since approximately 8:30 this morning I’ve accomplished the following:

-Cleaned my kitchen - which included the dishes from last night, this morning and sorting out all the random crap that somehow ended up on the counter tops
-Unloaded the dishwasher
-Cleaned out the random crap drawers on the right of my stove. I sorted all of the birthday cake paraphernalia like candles and odd plastic things that come on the top of cakes and the toothpicks (we have 3 different typed of cocktails and apps)
-Drank two cups of coffee and a few handfuls of Kix
-Organized and cleaned out the fridge. Even wiping out the fruit and veg drawers
-Folded laundry
-Cleaned all the bedrooms
-Picked up the entry way
-Checked my two fantasy football teams
-Replied to many emails
-Cleaned out my email box somewhat
-Cleaned up the coffee table and distributed all the toys and books to their rightful rooms
-Planned dinner
-And one more unimportant, important to me thing

But now, it’s almost 1:00, I have to think about picking up the kids at 2:00 and I feel like I’ve done nothing with my day. And I didn't even work out today…This is a constant struggle I have. First world problems. Bad time management skills? Probably. I easily get sucked into doing mundane things and pushing back the important things. Important things like making a photo album of our epic summer in time for the 50% off sale in Shutterfly. Or I desperately need to find time to make a video of Skye’s first 6 years by her birthday. I have things on Amazon to buy. Girl Scout meetings to plan. Soccer practice to run. Brownies to bake for the School Open House tomorrow night. Walks to register for. Calendars to be written. Emails to respond to. Yom Kippur to plan. Then again,  I guess that’s why there is always tomorrow.

But for today, my bedroom looks really, really good. The blanket on my bed is pulled tight and everything. And it didn’t get that way by itself.

It's Been a While

Holy shit.

It's been almost a year since I've posted. I say that like that little tid bit of news should be a big shocker. I'm a mother of 3 for the love of God! When the heck do I have time to blog? Oh, I have time. But I don't use it to blog. But I should. Cause I find my life quite amusing. At times. Anyway-- last year was good. Pretty status quo.

My twins finished 3rd grade, learned guitar, how to read hebrew and a ton of other awesome things.
My 5 year old finished her last year of pre-school and continues to be a social lite.
I worked a lot from December-May. The agency I was working for offered me full time...but I said no. I'd rather be a suburban mom than a cool creative director at an advertising agency in Boston.

I have to say, I do like the balance. Although the grass is always greener.

We had an epic summer with a month long trip to England for basically all of July. Twins birthdays. Cape Cod. Lots of fun. Busier than usual. But I think we all just love the summer in general because it's generally more laid back. Not as scheduled as the school year.

Kids started school about a month ago now. I have two 4th graders and a kindergartner. All in school from 8:30-2:30. How awesome is that. Total game changer.

So I'd like to get back to blogging. It's fun. And makes me feel somewhat accomplished as a writer. I'll start small and try to aim for a blog entry a week. And lucky you - I've already made good on that wish. Ch ch Check it out. Oh, and here are what the kiddos look like now.


Thursday, October 8, 2015

Back to School

Summer lovin’ had me a blast. No really. It was glorious.

But now school is back in session. And it’s time to get back at it. Woo-hoo. Emphasis on the hoo. We’ve been back for 4 weeks now but today was the first day it didn’t really feel like summer.

As we embark on a new school year, here are a few observations I’ve made in my suburban utopia.

The start of the school year is rife with conflicting emotions.
The sadness of no more beach. And hanging out on the deck. And having lazy mornings. Paired with the sheer elation of having some “me” time back when sliding door of the minivan closes as you wave goodbye and say I love you.  In my case, I’ve gained 2.5 glorious hours, 3X a week. I know, it’s hard to figure out what to do with all of my free time. Should I go grocery shopping? Check email? Clean up from breakfast? Figure out what to cook for dinner? Do the calendar? Go to the gym? Do PTO stuff? Lay on the couch and watch Kathie Lee and Hoda? The possibilities are endless.

All of the moms, dads and teachers at drop-off and pick-up are having the same mundane conversations.
How was your summer?
Good. Good. But I’m definitely enjoying getting back into the routine.
Yeah, us too. So good to see you.

Have you EVER heard ANYONE say, “Yeah, our summer really sucked.” Or, “I’m so glad to finally be getting rid of my kids!” No one says it. C’mon people. I know everyone is thinking it. And how many of you have heard, “WOW! He got so big!” It’s like, “No shit Sherlock.” It’s been like 10 weeks. Kids grow. Duuuuh. Why the fake amazement?

The morning routine must be reinstated.
Seriously, it’s like the summer actually made my kids dumber. They’ve completely forgotten that in order to go school you need to get dressed, eat your breakfast and brush your teeth. Is that too much to ask? And those are just the big three – this doesn’t include going to the bathroom, brushing your hair, grabbing your backpack and getting into the car. Oh no. I’ve decided this year to use reverse psychology. When my kids decide to play or do whatever it is besides getting ready for school, I’ve been sitting down on the couch and threatening, “OK. Well I’m just going to have a cup of coffee and you guys let me know when YOU want to go to school.” They look at each other in sheer terror and scream, “Nooooooo! We’re getting ready. We want to be on time!” Ha. Suckers.

I am eternally behind!
I just can’t believe I STILL haven’t gone through all of the papers and art work that they brought back by the grocery bag full at the end of last year. It’s still sitting in my living room waiting to be sorted into 3 piles:
-Things I want to hang up somewhere in the house
-Things I want to throw away
-Things I want to keep as a memory so I store it only to ultimately throw away in a few years because I’ll look at it and think, “Why the hell did I save this?”.

That’s all I got. Here’s to a great year – whatever grade you may be going into. And in the words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, “May the force be with you. Always.”

Mason and Jacob on their first day of 2nd grade. I have 2nd graders already! WTF. How did this happen?

Skye on her first day of preschool. (2nd year of pre-school, Kofefim class) Who is this fancy fancy girl?

Monday, July 20, 2015

The Luxury of Time

So I apologize for going totally off the grid. But my kids suck up all of my time. They are time suckers. Just look at them...with their adorable faces and smiles that melt your heart. What a bunch of assholes.

Anyway, the school year is about 1 month gone now and we are totally into summer. Summer in the suburbs rocks. I'll definitely give it props for that. It's sprawling and spacious. You can grill on the deck and just let the kids outside. They play in the yard. Chalk in the driveway. Ride their bikes. Go on their swings. Climb trees. You can bust out the Slip N Slide. Fill up the inflatable pool. Run through the sprinkler. Play with the kids across the street. And that's not even mentioning the bazillion town activities there are to choose from. There are neighborhood pools and reservoirs. Everything is so family friendly. The suburbs in the summer is a suburban utopia.

Well in comparison to New York or Hoboken. Summer in New York just smells. Really bad. You're always sweating and breathing in that hot sewer air when you cross the street. Or go down into the subway. And with kids...forget it. Everyone and their grandmother are crowded into the same little water park trying to squeeze into that really small shaded area. Doing anything is tiring because you are always so hot. And lugging around huge water bottles and snacks. And kids.

But backing up...the year went great. I think. All three of my kids are still alive and "graduated" onto 2nd grade and second year of pre-school. Win win. If anyone was wondering about the Steve Songs show - it went really well. We made money. Everyone had fun. Well, except for me and the other girl running it. Being in charge of a major fund raising event is stressful. I sacrificed going to a Pats playoff game people. But it was for the kids. And the preschool. And that's all that really matters...I think.

But getting back to point - I haven't been able to blog about all my suburban happenings because I never have a second to myself. Not in bed. Not in the bathroom. It's pretty much all kids all the time. A blessing and a curse. I've often wonder what the fuck I used to do before I had kids. I mean, I can remember there being times when I actually thought "I have no time." REALLY? You have no kids. How do you have no time? Oh right, because Sundays you sleep until 11:00, roll down to the diner downstairs, have some breakfast and read the paper. Go for a walk. Watch a basketball game. Meet a friend for dinner. Life was tough.

I never realized that time was such a luxury. Whenever I have a babysitter (which is not often) I'm always late. Or rushing around to "fit it all in". I mean, it's hard to decide what to do when you actually do have a little time to yourself. You have to choose how to allocate that time. I really just always want to sleep. Or lay on the couch with a margarita. But I never do what I really want to do. No time. There's laundry to be done. Emails to write. Schedules to plan. Calendars to update. Dinners to cook. Fat belly's to work off. Showers to take. And that's not including all of the cool "side projects" I've begun. And then never work on. Because of the time-suckers.

But that's ok. I've kind of made peace with the fact that my time doesn't really belong to me any more. It's theirs. And I'm fine with that. Because they are so damn cute. And cuddly. And they love me so much. At least for now. I figure I should ride that wave as long as possible. So keep on sucking kids. The summer-time suburban utopia awaits.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Taking Steve Songs by the Balls

This morning I put Cumin on my daughter’s cinnamon toast. Seriously. And she totally ate it. Poor thing. Well, what I didn’t mention is that at the exact same time I was making chili to stick in the crock pot. That’s right. I was simultaneously getting the kids ready for school, making chili for tonight’s Thursday night Pats/Jets game and getting ready for the sitter who was coming at 9:00 so I could go to work.

That’s how we roll in the suburbs.

I’m definitely getting more used to it. And starting to like it more. It will be 3 years in May. Which still isn’t very long. But it feels like forever. The only thing I still can’t get over is the lack of walking/exercise and always sitting my ass in my mini van. I should get to yoga more. Or the YMCA. Or the treadmill in my basement. One of those should do. It’s a matter of priorities people.

I’ve met some really cool chicks lately. Mostly mom friends because of the kids. But I can see some as having the potential to go beyond mom. I’m definitely not on the same level yet as my Hoboken twin moms but that’s because we drank more in Hoboken. There was no driving. And we all lived right around the corner. Thus I digress…

You wouldn’t believe my non-advertising resume this year. I’ll call it my volunteer work. And it can be exhausting. Now I barely scratch the surface compared to what some other insanely dedicated, amazing women I’ve met do, but for me, it’s kinda crazy. And fun. Just sayin’.

So in addition to being like, the best Martha Stewart wanna-be mom to my own kids, and working my freelance advertising/writing jobs when I can, here is a list of what else I’m up to at Jacob and Mason and Skye’s school.
  • Elementary School Newseditor
  • Elementary School PTO Leadership
  • Room Parent for Skye’s classroom
  • Co-Chair of major pre-school fundraiser – Steve Songs Concert
  • Cookie mom for Daisy (Girl Scouts) Troop

This is not a joke people.

Who am I? What have I become? I honestly have no idea how this happened. It just did. But I actually do love it. No shit.

Today, I’ve worked “working on the steve songs concert” into my work schedule. And I’m going to organize it like it’s nobody’s business. You just wait. I'm going to help put on Steve Songs like it's nobody's business. Stay tuned.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Shit I Say to My Kids that is Totally Fucking Bullshit

Inevitably, there is shit I say to my kids, that I know, just isn't true. But I know their young minds are so malleable and they believe everything I say because I'm their mother. Love this age. I wish I could stop all this growing bullshit right now. Seriously. They definitely still think that mom and dad know absolutely everything. It's great.

Here's a list of my greatest lies. 

"I'm not gonna say this again!"
This is obviously not true. For some reason, I think that shouting "I'm not gonna say this again" is somehow a threat. I assure you. This is no threat. But I STILL say it all of the time. Duuuuuh.

"OK. We're going to see the doctor then, because there is OBVIOUSLY something wrong with your hearing."
Another obvious lie. But this one seems to work pretty good. Because in the end I get them to admit they they actually did hear what I said but they were choosing to ignore me. Suckers!

"If you keep eating your hair, you're gonna grow a hair tree in your belly."
Sometimes this one works. Sometimes it doesn't. I did feel a little bad when my daughter had a stomach ache one day and said, "Mom. I think my hair tree might be growing."

"That's it! We're not going to Cape Cod!"
Yeah, OK, I'm really going to cancel a trip that I've been looking forward to, that I've been planning since March just because you refuse to put your pants on.

"That's it! I'm calling a babysitter and you can stay home while the rest of us go out."

Because I clearly have all my babysitters linked into my batphone and they will arrive on a minute's notice. 

"Fine. Don't eat dinner. Starve for all I care."

Sometimes this reverse psychology works. Although, there is a little bit of truth in this one, because by this time of the day, I actually don't care. 

"Stop using so many paper towels. Or the paper towel police will be here any minute."
This lie worked once. Then I totally got called out on it. " there REALLY a paper towel police?" Busted.

"That's an excellent drawing."
No it's not. It totally stinks. I could do better, and I'm a terrible artist. 

"Oh no. Looks like McDonald's is closed today."

Works every time. And I avoid confrontation. Total win for me.

"Fine. Don't go to school."

Another example of reverse psychology that really works. I can only wonder how long the twins will be such eager beavers.

"Oh no. I totally forgot my wallet."

This one originated as a defense for the ice cream truck. Why do those fuckers always have to patrol the parks?!?

"OK, you can play on the iPad for 15 minutes."

But I can get so much done when you're on it. I might as well finish making dinner. And try and fold some laundry. Or check my email. Make some doctor appointments? The possibilities are endless when you're on the iPad. Quiet. Happy. And you play some educational games so you're totally learning. An hour later...

Wednesday, July 23, 2014


This week I’ve deemed paper plate week. I know I’m totally ruining the environment for myself. My children. And my children’s children. So why don’t I give a fuck? I’ll tell you why. Just like my good friend Josh Schildkraut, I am incredibly lazy. Sometimes. Well at least this week with the dishes. It's just one of those weeks. It's hot. Summer hot. Africa hot. I even have a dishwasher. And air conditioning. Like I said, think Josh Schildkraut.

But am I REALLY lazy? I mean, I do look after 3 kids every second of every hour of every fucking day without a lunch break. Or any alone time in the bathroom. Any time to really check emails. Unless they are watching a show or playing on the iPad. Which in case I have plenty of free time to do the dishes. Sweep up their muffins. And maybe, just maybe, take a shower.

This afternoon I picked shit up off the bathroom floor. Toddler shit. Ok, think toddler poop. For some reason toddler poop seems much less offensive than toddler shit. My littlest one just got herself some "big girl underwear" on Saturday. And the potty training is going swimmingly. Sure, she's had a handful of accidents and still hasn't really figured out how to take a crap on the toilet. She's used to doing it standing up. So going from standing to sitting is a challenge. I've also been able to frequent the public toilets about a gazillion times today. I've been to 2 elementary school toilets (one of them twice), Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts and Stop and Shop and this is all before 3:00 PM. 

I think the potty training is definitely an even exchange for the paper plates.